When I think of Thailand I think of bustling cities, beautiful islands and amazing food. No Elvis museum unfortunately, but you can’t have it all.
We went to the south of Thailand for a fortnight to see if it’s as good as Worthing and the results are in…
1. Is the weather better than Brighton?
We’re here in rainy season, but it’s actually bloody hot all the time. I think they should rename it the bloody hot season as it’s misleading for us tourists. You haven’t sweated until you’ve gone out expecting rain and found yourself wearing a sticky cagoule in 30 degree sunshine.
The weather was lush and when it was roasting we usually had a pool or the sea to jump into. When it rained there was always a bar to visit. It’s a winner – 8 points
2. Proximity and quality of the seaside (a pier must be present for full points here)
The beach we went to in Panwa near Phuket was amazing. Almost no other people around and it had a beachfront bar – something Worthing is sorely missing. It was totally gorgeous and romantic, plus it had some rocks so I could play Indiana Jones for little while (until I stepped on a sharp bit and had to limp off, bravely holding in the tears).
Get a pier and you’ve got it all. Until then 8 points
3. Local delicacies and quality of food
Thai food. It’s lush isn’t it? Green curry, red curry, Tom Yam etc and so on. Well Thailand, how do you explain this?
Wrong on so many levels, but we did have some tasty stuff too. 7 points
4. Friendliness and attractiveness of the locals
“Hey you – where you go?” we were asked every step of every journey, sometimes by tuk tuk drivers but also by seemingly friendly people in the street who then tell you the place you’re going is closed so why don’t you have a drink in their shop. The best one was when we were looking for Khao San Road (the famous backpackers street) and some dude told us it was shut. We said “OK mate, the whole street is shut? At lunchtime? Think we’ll take our chances and wander over there anyway but thanks for the tip!”. He did give us good directions though.
In terms of attractiveness, Thailand does have some babes but you have to be careful not get caught out. As we were walking towards a bar with lots of scantily-clad chicks outside I said to Maki (our friend showing us around) “This place looks good” to which she replied “Oh yes. This is a ladyboy bar”. Thank God Maki was there – who knows what sort of tale I would be telling you here, although as a brilliant film I saw yesterday told me “The closet door is made of all different kinds of wood.”
In Worthing you usually know what you’re getting in terms of the opposite sex, and I like that. Thailand got me confused on the babe front, but everyone was friendly for sure 7 points
5. Availability and quality of real ale
As with everywhere we’ve been so far, real ale was sorely lacking, but I did manage to get drunk in bed on a train which is well worth some pointage.
The only way you could do that in Worthing is to get the Southern vomit comet on the way back from London and pass out under a chair, waking up in Hastings with chewing gum in your hair and ketchup on your crotch (which has obviously never happened to me, I just heard about it) 10 points
To summarise, the bottom half of Thailand was great fun. We met nice people, had good journeys, went to pretty places and drank cold beer. Really looking forward to the north which we’ll go to after Cambodia, Vietnam and Laos. Southern Thailand scores a happy 40 points.
Let me know what you reckon by leaving a comment. It’s always nice to hear what the Great British Public are thinking.